I'm gonna sack you so hard your dick's gonna go into your throat
and you're gonna choke on your dick and die.
Okay, go deep. Go, go, go!
Twist left, twist left, twist left.
I said twist left, Larry. Listen!
Blue 16! Blue 16!
Set, hut-hut!
Get on him!
Clear!
It's just practice, man. Go down!
Go down, son, go down.
Can't go down!
Too awesome!
Who did that?
Which one of you assholes just stuck his finger in my asshole?
It was like...
No, no, man. It was more like...
Ooh!
No, you guys are both wrong. It had like a sucking
in the back of the throat, like a...
Was it you, Moran? Hmm?
Did you stick your finger in my butt?
No.
You were on the sidelines. You saw what happened.
I want to know everything from the moment you woke up yesterday.
This is ridiculous.
Get out of the chair again
and then I'll have my friend, Larry, here,
stick his finger so far up your ass
your breath'll smell like Larry's finger.
Fine.
So I woke up yesterday around 3:00.
I'll call you later, Tina. Sarah!
Unbelievable.
Hey, Sammy. What's up, buddy?
What's going on here?
Nothing. Just on my way to class.
No, really, what's going on here?
Dude, I can't talk. I'm gonna be late.
Seriously, you're not gonna come to practice with me?
Maybe I'll stop by after I hit the library?
I don't like this! I gotta go!
I don't like this!
All right, we're playing Emerton U this weekend.
They're a bunch of cheating dirty pricks.
Now you know I can't condone cheating, but if it comes to that,
I've brought in somebody who can teach you how to do it
without getting caught.
My ex-brother-in-law, Bill Romanowski. Bill.
Thanks, Marty. Okay!
A football player has 47 exposed vulnerable areas when fully suited.
Area one, the eyeballs.
Every player has two of them, right?
Hey. So I got a very special project for you.
Great.
Now someone may or may not
have wired your helmet with speakers for Saturday's game.
Oh!
This hypothetical person may also have hidden mics on our D-line.
Hmm. If that were the case,
you would be able to hear, chart and relay
Emerton's plays from the sidelines
during the game.
Sounds like a lot of hypothetical work, Coach.
I knew I could count on you, buddy.
Thanks.
During the play in question, I was on the sideline.
I'm gonna sack you so hard, your...
...gonna go in your throat, and choke on your dick and die.
Hey, Alex.
Hey, Sammy, you came.
Wait, wait, wait, stop. Stop right there.
Who the hell is Sammy
and why did he bring a homeless guy to the field?
Sammy's our mascot.
And I don't know what the deal was with the homeless guy.
Now that you mention it, it did seem sort of strange.
Blue 16!
I said twist left, Larry. Listen!
Blue 16! Hey, you!
Off the field.
Go down!
Too awesome.
Which one of you assholes just stuck his finger in my asshole?
Did Romanowski teach 'em that?
No.
That's brilliant.
I mean, whoever did deserves a freaking medal.
Shut up!
Shut, shut up!
He did not say that!
I'm afraid he did.
Whatever, liar. Get back to the incident.
Did you see who did it? The pile was too big.
But you heard it through your speakers.
I heard our teammates telling you to go down and you wouldn't.
I'm full tilt full-time.
Look, I'd love to sit here and play interrogation with you,
but we've got a game in a few hours
and I was hoping to get drunk, so...
You're not going anywhere.
Somebody bring me the mascot and lock the doors.
Nobody's leaving this house
until I find out who stuck their finger in my asshole.
Hey, easy!
Talk, mascot.
I have a name. It's Sammy.
Why are you dressed like a real college student?
Who's the homeless guy you brought to practice?
And why did you bring him? Oh, Darrell?
Yeah, he's just a guy I met a few days ago at cheer practice.
Man, I was really on that day.
Oh!
Sammy, you're so great! Sammy,
you are the best mascot we ever had.
We would love it if you showered with us today.
Again?
Please!
Listen, begging's kind of a turn-off, girls. - Oh.
But if it makes you happy, all right.
Hey, buddy, this is a closed practice,
so why don't you put your dick away and scram?
I'm just watching.
Yeah, well, watch somewhere else.
Look at you.
You got everything right in front of you. You don't even appreciate it.
I appreciate it every day, you asshole.
What makes you think you know anything about me?
Know you?
I used to be you.
I used to be the mascot here.
At first, I didn't believe the guy,
but he took me to his house
and showed me all kinds of BMS stuff from the early '90s.
That was 17 years ago. The best years of my life.
Now all I have to show for it are these photos,
this shirt and this goat doll the cheerleaders gave me after I graduated.
Wait, you graduated? Why didn't you just go pro?
That's what I'm gonna do when I graduate.
I tried!
But for every pro football team,
there's 50 ex-college mascots looking for work.
I delivered pizzas in a pirate outfit for a while.
Next thing I know, I'm out on the street begging for change.
Take heed, my boy.
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Especially when your special talents
don't translate to the outside world.
The outside world, the outside world, the outside world...
What does any of this have to do with my asshole?
Darrell was at your practice because he's my friend.
He made me realize if I don't do good in school,
I'll be homeless after I graduate just like he is.
Wait, you said everything you needed to know
you've either seen on TV or learned at mascotting.
No, I was a fool, Alex. It's time for me to grow up.
Did you see who did it or not?
No, I didn't see anything.
I was taken out by the pile. Darrell, too.
But now that you mention it,
I do remember looking up and seeing Radon smell his fingers.
Yeah, I can explain that.
As many of you know, I'm typically a very clean individual.
Radon, I'm leaving. Cool.
The money's on the table,
next to the Plan B pills.
Which is why an incident on the field that day
freaked me out so much.
What the hell?
Oh, shit.
It was feces. There was feces on the ball.
That's why I threw that interception.
Oh!
How convenient!
The interception wasn't your fault
because the ball just slipped out of your hand.
And your fingers smelled like shit
because there just happened to be shit on the ball.
I have a better explanation.
You threw that interception because you suck and I'm amazing.
Oh, oh, shit!
Thad's blitzing! Thad's blitzing.
Shit!
That's my boy.
Thad's my favorite player on this team.
Great body, too.
Oh, yeah.
Hit, hit!
Suckers.
Oh, thank God.
Oh! Oh!
And your fingers didn't smell like shit because of the ball.
They smelled like shit because you stuck one, or more of them,
into my asshole.
Whoever stuck their finger in Thad's ass is a disgrace.
Man, hey,
I can't explain that shit on the ball, but I ain't lying.
I ain't never stuck my finger in nobody ass but my own.
And this flight attendant, once,
but that was 'cause of turbulence.
Liar! Uh...
He's telling the truth, Thad. That was my fault.
It was my shit on the ball.
Remember...
That morning, in the locker room,
Coach Daniels pulled me aside.
For that pain to travel all the way up to the brain,
so they can feel it... Donnie.
This team needs to expect the unexpected on Saturday,
especially our quarterback.
I want you to shit on the ball, Donnie. Yeah?
Yeah, shit right on the ball and then hike it to Radon.
Really lather it on.
Can you do that for me, son?
Yeah, yeah, anything for you, Coach.
All right!
Oh, oh! Right there.
Keep your head up and look around.
Blue 42 set!
Hut-hut!
What the hell?
In retrospect, Donnie, you think, maybe,
the coach told you to spit on the ball, not shit?
No, I am pretty sure... Donnie, I was there. He said spit.
Oh!
Oh! My bad.
And what about you?
You're always smelling your fingers.
Yeah, but I only like to smell my balls, man.
I stay away from assholes.
Hey, man, what's up?
You smelling your asshole?
No, man.
Just my balls.
Enough!
We have a game in two hours.
We've got the entire team in a pile.
Everyone's got a motive for touching my asshole.
Guys' hands are smelling like shit.
Mascot's got the homeless guy. Sammy!
And now you're telling me that the coaches could be involved?
This goes way deeper than my asshole.
Wait, come on.
I mean, how can any of us even be sure
that the finger-up-the-ass thing actually happened?
I mean, as far as we know,
you did it to yourself just to get a little attention.
What? No, I wouldn't even touch my asshole with Larry's finger.
Then, maybe, before you start pointing your finger at your teammates,
you take a look at the people that are closest to you.
Where was Larry during all this?
I got nothing to hide.
It was a pretty typical play for me.
Twist left. Twist left.
Great job, Larry. Focus, Thad!
Blue 16. Blue 16.
Set. Hut-hut.
Yo, yo, yo, follow me!
Okay. Great job, Larry.
Go, Larry!
Larry, help! Get them off of me!
But, you know, as everyone's attention was on Thad,
I did notice something interesting.
Don't I know you?
No, Coach. I don't think you do. Yeah, yeah, I do.
You used to be the mascot here and I kicked you off the team
for trying to sell our playbook 15 years ago.
Get the hell off my field!
You're a disgrace to this school.
No, no, that man is my friend. He wouldn't do that.
It all makes perfect sense.
Homeless bro was in the pile.
What better way to get revenge
against the school that you have a grudge against
than to stick your finger up the captain's ass?
He loves this school, okay?
He would never stick his finger up anyone's ass!
You never know. Some guys just get off on smelling people's asses.
He was working for Emerton U!
He was using you, mascot.
Yeah?
Well, he knows my name.
So who's using who?
Hey, I know your name.
But saying what it is isn't what's important right now.
What's important is that you're part of a team.
And teammates help each other out.
So why don't you be a good mascot
and tell us where old mascot is?
He's in the locker room.
I told him he could wear the goat suit before today's game
to relive his glory days.
To the locker room!
Get back!
Ah! Go back! Get off me.
I can't get the door open!
Oh, shit, yeah.
You've still got it, my man.
It's him!
His fingers smell like shit.
I'm homeless.
All of me smells like shit.
Stop, everybody move back! Nobody hurt him.
He's working for Emerton U. - Emerton U?
Are you kidding? I hate those jerks.
This guy loves BMS. He would never hurt anyone on this team.
I mean, look, he carries around a goat doll, for Christ's sake.
Whoa!
I can explain that.
Yeah, so can I.
You didn't come back to BMS to relive your glory days.
You came here to get revenge on the school that screwed you.
Emerton U, knowing your history
of selling out your alma mater,
paid you to spy on our practices.
But you needed an in, so you befriended our mascot.
You videotaped our play signals,
our audibles, our defensive adjustments, everything.
And then came the finishing touch.
One final "screw you" to BMS' finest.
You lied to me?
No, I didn't.
You had me believing that I had to go to class to be successful?
That I had to learn? That being a mascot wasn't enough?
Sammy, it's true. You have to study hard to get ahead.
Bullshit, Darrell!
You're not homeless because you didn't study.
You're homeless because you're a traitor!
Give me the backpack, old mascot. What, this?
There's nothing in here but tin cans
and some free-verse poetry I wrote.
You know, homeless stuff.
Give me the backpack, Darrell!
Sammy, no, no.
I believed in you!
I stuck up for you.
Yes, mascot.
Mascot...
You have to understand,
BMS is my pornography.
I wasn't taping the signals. I was taping you.
I was taping all of you.
College was the best time of my life
and I relive it through my video and pictures.
Tell it to the judge.
Sammy, Sammy, Sammy...
Mascot! Mascot! Mascot!
Mascot! Mascot!
Please take your finger out of my ass.
Oh!
Coach, there's nothing on these tapes
but cheerleaders and mascot practices.
Nothing Emerton could have used against us.
I mean, he didn't even have the sound on to catch our audibles.
Wait, pause that tape.
Coach...
Where's the homeless guy?
Coach, how did you recognize that homeless guy
after all these years?
Like, through the beard and the dirt and all that?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I never saw that guy before in my life.
Ready?
I wanna know everything.
A football player has 47 exposed vulnerable areas...
I said twist left, Larry. Listen!
This is ridiculous.
I did notice something interesting.
Which one of you assholes just stuck his finger in my asshole?
Get out of the chair again
and I'll have Larry, here, stick his finger so far up your ass
your breath'll smell like Larry's finger.
I only like to smell my balls, man.
So who's using who?
What does any of this have to do with my asshole?
You should take a look at the people closest to you.
Where was Larry during all of this?
I got nothing to hide.
I never saw that guy before in my life.
I wouldn't even touch my asshole with Larry's finger,
Larry's finger, Larry's finger,
Larry's finger.
Why? - You never know.
Some guys just get off on smelling people's asses.
You did good, kid.
You're not afraid to get dirty and I like that.
Now the team and our captain, they're ready for anything.
And like that,
he's gone.